The Ides of Perry Mason 42

On the 15^th of every month, we deal with a topic related to Our Favorite Lawyer.

The Case of the Fugitive Nurse - Erle Stanley Gardner, 1954

Doctor Summerfield Malden was killed in a plane accident, flying himself to a convention of surgeons in SLC. Widow Steffanie Malden, not exactly prostrated with grief, is visiting Perry Mason’s office with probating the will pronto on her mind. She’s concerned that the good chest cutter was being investigated by the IRS. The tax collectors are curious about businesses that take in large amounts of cash from patients, and wondering if his books smell a little off.

She’s also concerned, though not as much compared to money, that the doctor at 52 years old, the dangerous age, was carrying on a love affair with his 27-year-old head nurse and office manager Gladys Foss. Her husband’s philandering, she says, is to be understood as partly physical - Foss turns heads - but partly business too. That is, Nurse Foss was perhaps helping him cook the books to fool the taxman.

To Mason, it makes no sense for an eminent and successful surgeon to risk his reputation and professional standing for the doubtful benefit of evading taxes. The widow persuades Mason to visit an apartment love nest the doctor had and look for $100,000 in unreported cash. Bear in mind, $100,000 in 1954 is equivalent to $950K in today’s money.

In her interview with Mason, Gladys Foss says that the doctor lacked business sense. He just used office petty cash as his personal piggy bank. He would accept cash payments from patients and put the bills in his pocket. He knew what he was doing all the time. Gladys points out he worked all the time and had little time to cultivate a happy life. Gladys also puts out the supposition that she might have embezzled funds to play the ponies. Just supposing, mind.

Perry Mason then falls into a cunningly baited trap. There is no trace of $100,000 in cash in the apartment Old Steff talked of but there is an empty open wall safe. But he decides he has to protect the conniving client Steffanie Malden or she may turn against him with circumstantial evidence that points to him as the thief of $100,000. The DA Hamilton Burger accuses Stef of cooking up the accident that killed her husband and Mason tries to muddy the identity of the corpse. Gladys Foss has crucial information, but can’t be found.

Gardner goes on longer digressions than usual in this outing. In an idea still provocative today, Gardner bluntly claims that the presumption of innocence doesn’t mean anything to the police and prosecutors. Cops routinely lie to people of interest in order to get them to betray confederates. Yeah, I know criminals can’t be treated like nice little ladies and gentleman, but it’s hard to shake the feeling that it’s an ugly place to be lied to by the bad guys and be lied to by the guys that are supposed to protect us from the bad guys. Gardner’s point remains: people need to keep their mouth shut and get  attorneys if life plays a dirty trick on them and then end up in the criminal justice meat grinder.

Notes: The pandemic killed dead my part-time job of teaching ESL so my instructor’s inclinations and ways have to come out somehow. Following is a glossary of terms used in this novel for people under 50 and non-native speakers of English. Both groups may lack knowledge of 1954 and its idioms and its cultural touchstones and assumptions. Glossing was for my own amusement but done in the forlorn hope that old-school mysteries won’t become inaccessible simply because their vocabulary becomes quaint, opaque, embarrassing or obsolete. This novel, by the way, was published in February 1954, after being serialized in the weekly magazine Saturday Evening Post between September and November 1953.

·         You can bet on that! You can be certain that that will happen!

·         hazel eyes. Brown eyes with green or gold in the iris. People argue exactly what this color is.

·         I believe in crossing bridges when I come to them. Not worry about problems until they come up.

·         He kept his own counsel. Say nothing about one’s thoughts, feelings, beliefs or plans

·         Void in case of suicide. If someone dies by suicide in the first two years of holding the insurance policy, most companies will not pay the death benefit for beneficiaries.

·         approach a subject. Get closer to talking about a topic.

·         alert. wide-awake. Giving close attention to a topic or situation.

·         snoop / snoopy. A person who secretly investigates somebody’s private life / being nosy, having too much curiosity about somebody’s else’s affairs

·         keep an eye on. Keep under close observation.

·         watch like a hawk. Watch very carefully

·         live under an assumed name. Live under a fictitious name to disguise yourself.

·         photostatic copy. An old form of copying documents

·         $5,000 for a year’s rent. $416 per month in 1954 is the equivalent of about $4200 in 2022. That would get you a luxury apartment nowadays; the average apartment rent in LA now is about $2500.

·         love nest. A place where two lovers spend time together, especially in secret.

·         CRestline-6-9342. By about the end of the 1960s, telephone companies stopped using names and went to phone numbers using only numerals. In the LA there were CRestview and CRestwood, which would now be 27-X-XXXX.

·         a lax attitude. Not caring about an attentive attitude or high standards.

·         dot the i’s and cross the t’s. Pay great attention to details.

·         expose (show) my hand. Tell my plans or beliefs clearly. A poker term.

·         play cards close to one’s chest. Keep your plans, ideas hidden from other people. Another poker term.

·         morbid curiosity. Having an interest in death, violence, accidents, extreme events.

·         It cost real money. Money in a large, significant amount.

·         Paul: The plot thickens! Perry: It’s curdled. Paul uses a cliché to mean the situation becomes more complicated, but Perry makes a play on words to mean the situation becomes worse or more suspicious. 

·         He looked ahead. Think about what will happen in the future.

·         That’ll clinch things. It will settle or conclude a situation.

·         He cut it fine. Gave little time to do something.

·         Keeping appointments. ESG was given to suggesting advice for being a competent human being. He probably knew that some percentage of his readership needed all the help and advice they could get.

·         Mason raised his eyebrows. This body language expresses surprise or disapproval or asks for more details. Gardner used this expression very often.

·         cut the Gordian knot. To solve a difficult problem in a very direct way by doing something forceful or extreme. According to an ancient legend, Gordius, the king of Phrygia, tied a knot that nobody could untie. It was said that if anyone untied it, they would become the next ruler of Asia. When Alexander the Great heard this, he solved the problem by cutting through the knot with a sword.

·         Umpty thousand dollars. Umpteen is used more frequently these days to mean many, a lot of.

·         Get this straight. You had better understand this correctly

·         Drake tapped his code signal. the classic "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm.

·         No dice. He refused my request

·         veterans. Experienced employees, though usually survivors of wars.

·         a ticklish job. A job with many problematic details, many possibilities to go wrong.

·         keep an ace in the hole. Another poker term. To not use an advantage or talent until the proper time.

·         A lawyer is at the mercy of his clients. Be completely in the control of

·         get your feet wet. Get into trouble.

·         to shadow. To follow, usually secretly

·         You’ll have to steal $100,000 to break even. To reach a point when you recover your investment / costs and start making a profit.

·         call off your men. Tell them their job is done, is cancelled.

·         scout the place. To look over, explore a place to gather information about it.

·         play for keeps in this game. Perform seriously, with determination to win, without mercy

·         loaded to the gills. Be very full. “I ate so much that I felt ~.”

·         lead with one’s mouth. To reveal information without thinking carefully

·         give (a place) a going-over. To search a place to gather information about it.

·         kick about. Complain.

·         hate the ground somebody walks on. To hate somebody very much. A harsh expression.

·         have in common. Have the same feature, or like similar things to somebody else

·         pulchritude. CH is K as in “chemistry.” An old word for physical attractiveness, especially when talking of women

·         Mason raised his eyebrows. ESG likes this expression.

·         Far be it for me to ~. I am not the kind of person who ~. I am not criticizing but ~.

·         cool, calm, and collected. Old idiom meaning not upset

·         broad-minded. Not easily shocked and in the Fifties this often meant not offended  especially at other people’s unconventional sexual behavior.

·         get your hooks into.  To control or influence somebody strongly. The reference is to a fish caught on a hook, powerless

·         display to great advantage. Show in the best way.

·         have a hand in something. Be involved in something

·         hand a line. To explain or give excuses that sound believable but are false

·         slip. Mistake.

·         rattlebrain. An unreliable or thoughtless person

·         stall people off. Make people wait, usually with weak excuses.

·         play the ponies. Gamble on horse races.

·         bookie. A bookmaker, one who takes bets on sporting events.

·         I wouldn’t lift a finger to help her. Usually used in the negative, I would not make a sacrifice, do anything for ~

·         The fat’s in the fire. There’s trouble in the future.

·         It’s all fixed. Arranged, ready.

·         barge into. Interrupt, intrude, disturb, enter a situation where nobody wants you

·         louse up. Cause a problem.

·         dog tired. Very tired.

·         tip off. Warn.

·         break. Advantage, benefit, especially brought by good luck.

·         plunge. To place bets recklessly, gamble heavily.

·         Hairline moustache. A very thin strip of hair. Not a popular style in 2022.

·         You’re telling me. I know this already and I agree.

·         No need to get sore. Don’t get angry. Don’t be too sensitive.

·         gravy. Profit.

·         Checks are poison. Something risky, harmful, destructive that must be avoided.

·         Know the ropes. Be experienced in the proper procedures. This expression may be from sailing where ropes and sails are needed to steer the boat or ship.

·         Put a nick in you. Damaged you professionally. made you lose money.

·         make a pass. Indicate romantic or sexual interest, usually physically.

·         be as thick as thieves. Very close, friendly.

·         back up (an assumption). Support.

·         the ghost of ~.  A small sign or possibility of ~.

·         Rush in where angels fear to tread. To rush into a difficult or dangerous situation without thinking about possible bad results. This is from a proverb “Fools rushin ~.”

·         Forehead furrowed in thought. Wrinkles in the forehead show that somebody is thinking hard.

·         a fatal mistake/weakness. Perry makes a mistake that puts the cops onto his client.

·         continuance. A postponement of court business.

·         smell around. Investigate.

·         fight tooth and nail. Fight very hard.

·         She as good as admitted to me. Very nearly. Almost.

·         skirmish around. Have a brief argument or discussion.

·         sweet position. Drake is being sarcastic here because it is a not an excellent position.

·         It’s a cinch that ~. Certain, a sure thing.

·         give an out with the income tax people. Provide somebody with an excuse or way to escape.

·         vanish without a trace. Disappear completely, so that nobody can find evidence of where you went

·         a hunch. A feeling that something is going to happen.

·         skip out. Run away, escape, leave in a quick secret way

·         I’m not gonna buy that. I don’t believe it.

·         acerbity. Sharpness. Strictness, sternness we would expect in a judge.

·         make a name for one’s self. Perform is such a way as to become well-regarded, famous.

·         fix the time. Determine the time for a meeting or event.

·         criminalistics. As a subset of forensic sciences, the reconstruction of crimes and analysis of physical evidence for use in criminal proceedings.

·         I don’t know if I had any say in that. I had no authority in that situation or influence in that decision.

·         Jack of all trades. A person who can do many jobs skillfully.

·         There will be no interchange of personalities in this court. Critical remarks, personal recriminations, disapproving comments. This expression is usually used in the negative and is still used in professional life, especially meetings, “Let’s not have any personalities.”

·         caffeine tablets and whiskey. This seems an unlikely combination to use to stay alert enough to fly a plane, but artificial study aids such as Red Bull and vodka are out of my experience.

·         His face a mask of judicial impassivity. ESG’s favorite expression, used at least once in every novel.

·         tip our hand. Reveal our plans.

·         dope ring. Criminal gang that sells drugs.

·         state boldly. Say confidently.

·         accept at face value. Accept and believe without thinking much about it very deeply

·         throw a monkey wrench into the machinery. To deliberate plan to mislead or confuse or sabotage.

·         It gives me the creeps. We say this when we feel uneasy at somebody’s strange behavior

·         feather their own nest. Make money illegally or at someone else's expense.

·         blunder. Mistake, error

·         go out of your way to ~ . Make a special effort to ~.

·         What’s cooking? Old slang for What’s happening.

·         be burned up. Be very angry.

·         She studied him thoughtfully. Attentively, in this case. Sometimes it means kindly

·         I’m afraid I don’t understand. Please explain.

·         I’ve been crucified on the cross of ~. Criticized or mistreated severely. Put in a terrible disadvantageous position. A very old-fashioned expression.

·         hatch up (a plan). Develop, usually in secret.

·         hook. Steal

·         slave away. Work really hard.

·         Worrying and stewing. Stew means worry, usually alone and due to the action of others.

·         embitter. And old word not used much now, meaning cause someone to feel resentful (bitter, hostile)

·         living like a nun. Living with no romantic or sexual relationships.

·         Nothing doing. There is no chance of agreement or success.

·         governor. A speed controller, a device used to measure and limit the speed of an engine on a taxi, truck, or car.

·         a complete heel. Total jerk. We use "complete" with negative things like fool, racist, idiot but also positive things like gentleman, cook.

·         double cross. A betrayal of someone with whom one is supposedly cooperating.

·         shenanigans. Dishonest activity. A wonderful word from Irish / Erse.

·         You’re not telling me anything (new). I already know everything you are talking about.

·         give you the heave-ho on ~. Get you into trouble about ~.

·         The Devil! Hang it! Old expressions of surprise and annoyance.

·         a raft of ~.  A large number of ~.

·         What do you make of it? What is your opinion of it?

·         laughing stock. A person subjected to general mockery or ridicule.

·         launching a haymaker at Mason. Throwing a fist punch at Mason.

·         steal thunder. To take attention or praise or success away from someone else.

·         pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something unexpected but clever in order to solve a problem

·         estimable. Worthy of respect. An old word, not much used.

·         make a job of it. Do a thorough job.

·         raise hell. Complain energetically.

·         Darwin Kirby, Horace L. Redfield, Dr. Reedley Munger. ESG liked to name professionals with elaborate pompous names.

·         make up out of whole cloth. To develop an explanation based on no evidence

·         one iota of truth. Any scintilla of evidence. Having tiny amount of ~.

·         good faith. Honesty or sincere intention.

·         sweat. To interrogate.

·         put two and two together. To come to a correct guess by putting information together

·         make whoopee. Have a wild celebration. Also, have sex, so this old-fashioned expression is risky to use